


Aruru and Inanna's Epic Contest

by fresne



Category: The Epic of Gilgamesh
Genre: M/M, Meta, Misses Clause Challenge, Ridiculous, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21807913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresne/pseuds/fresne
Summary: Here's the situation. Inanna threw down at a party at Enlil's about how she was all that.Aruru, the goddess of creation, went, "I do not think you are all that. I am all that."The only way to settle things was to see who could hook up the worst hot mess with a heart of gold with their perfect match.Enter Gilgamesh.
Relationships: Enkidu/Gilgamesh (Mesopotamian Mythology)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 43
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> As I was writing your story, I quickly realized that I had two stories that I was writing. One which dealt with Enkidu's past relationship with Humbaba, and another that was tonally *very* different. So I split them out, and wrote both.
> 
> Happy yuletide. I hope you enjoy both of them. Twice the pining.

Don't stop at the first tablet in the library of King Ashurbanipal. 

Go past the wax tablets. Those are just about taxes and old receipts.

Go past the copper cylinders full of papyrus. Those are full of rude jokes about the pharaohs. 

Last tablet on the left. The one marked with King Ashurbanipal's flax bookmark. The one with the little marking on the side that reads, "Sîn-lēqi-unninni wrote this. Again. With more this time."

That's the one.

Now let's go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%AEn-l%C4%93qi-unninni


	2. Tablet 1

Inanna had showed up late to Enlil's party. She came in the door and yelled, "Now the party can get the fuck started." She stood in the door, because she knew she looked good with her crown of stars and belt that made folks wanna screw. 

Then there's a missing bit because King Ashurbanipal dropped the tablet, exclaiming, "You did not just say that." 

Anyway, in the next bit, Aruru said, "Child, you did not just say that to me."

Inanna put her hands on her hips, thumbs firmly tucked into her sweet belt that made folks wanna get dirty. "I did say it. I stand by it. I am the reason every mother fucker fucks." She tossed her hair just a bit. Puffed out her chest a bit. Flicked her wings a bit. "Animals too, but I don't want this to get weird."

Aruru could not believe her ears. "You did not just sass me like I'm just some goddess of veg. You did not. I brought you into this world and I will take you out of it."

Enlil hearing there was a bit of a tiff at his party, and just to be clear had been at the wine of Siduri since the party started, came over. "Ladies. Ladies. No reason to fight. I propose a contest.” The other gods groaned. “Each of you create a perfect love match and we'll all judge how it turns out."

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote, “That’ll turn out great.”_
> 
> _King Hammurabi wrote, “You shouldn’t write in the margins.”_
> 
> _Queen Semiramis wrote, “Pot. Kettle. Black.”_

Aruru thought about that and said, "As the goddess of creation, I'm totally dope at creating things, so I'll win."

Inanna sniffed and said, "That is not how the kids say it these days."

This triggered a slightly incoherent rant by Enlil's mother-in-law, Nisaba, the goddess of writing, about how writing freezes language the way it was spoken at the moment the stylus was pressed into the clay, but the nature of language itself is as mutable as air. So what was once as in style as a right folded kilt, becomes as out of date as the folds of your grandfather's robes.

> _King Ashurbanipal scratched into the margin, "What's funny is I've heard Sîn-lēqi-unninni give this exact speech."_

Meanwhile the goddesses had continued to argue over how to make the competition fair and balanced, while continuing to trash talk each other.

Enlil laid the rules of the competition out. He declared that they would pick one individual, who they would each attempt to pair off. To make it a challenge, the gods, as the god-parents of baby Gilgamesh, would give that kid all sorts of gifts, which would inevitably make that bad boy a hot mess. "Your basic total prick with a soft sweet center," said Enlil. "If either of you can find some way to hook that hot mess up with his perfect match, you're the winner."

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote in the margins, "_ _So that's how he became two thirds god."_
> 
> _King Hammurabi wrote, "I still think anyone claiming to be two-thirds god has no legal basis."_

The goddesses agreed and and that's how the whole thing started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://mythology.net/others/gods/inanna/  
> https://www.ancient.eu/Enlil/  
> https://www.brooklynmuseum.org/eascfa/dinner_party/heritage_floor/aruru  
> https://www.ancient.eu/Nisaba/  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashurbanipal  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semiramis  
> https://www.ancient.eu/hammurabi/


	3. Tablet 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next pick up the tablet about the people crying out because their perfect and gorgeous and wise king Gilgamesh was also a total prick who tarted around with everyone in town.

The people cried out that Gilgamesh was after the tail of everyone in Uruk. Virgins. Nobles wives. Soldiers. Sons. Daughters. Mothers. Fathers. The people said, "Uruk is a city where every day is a party, and full of dancing boys and harimatu priestesses of getting down to it, but Gilgamesh is too much. He needs a companion." 

The people prayed for the gods to send someone fucking amazing. They prayed, "Give our king a mighty companion who can take Gilgamesh's relentless pounding. He is like a hammer that does not stop. Send someone who can be the shaft to his head. Send someone who has a mighty shaft."

The people prayed for the gods to send someone who wouldn't fucking quit. They prayed. "Give our king a strong companion who can take Gilgamesh's drilling. He is like a strap drill that does not stop. Send someone who can take the shaft in their mouth. Send someone who has a strong thong drill."

The people prayed for the gods to send someone right the fuck now. They prayed, "Give our king a fucking companion. We mean that literally."

Aruru heard the people and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm working on it."

Meanwhile, Inanna had completely forgotten about the whole thing and had wandered off to the banks of the Euphrates where she spotted a huluppa tree, which had been uprooted by the south wind. 

It was half in and half out of the ground, but was still a lovely tree. Inanna got it into her head that she wanted a bed and throne made out of that tree, but it was still pretty small. Certainly not big enough for much of anything. So she ripped up the tree and carried it to her garden in Uruk, and told the gardeners, "Watch out for my tree. Make it grow and shit. Feed it good manure. I'll be back later."

> _Sîn-lēqi-unninni wrote, "Inanna is like an a-ankara weapon left on a table. We'll hear more about her later."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.lowtechmagazine.com/2010/12/hand-powered-drilling-tools-and-machines.html  
> http://www.mesopotamiangods.com/the-huluppu-tree/


	4. Tablet 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next select the tablet of that perfect companion and how he was created.

Aruru found a young brown bull grazing upon the brittle mountain grass of Mount Eibh. 

He had avoided capture by the trappers come to the hills to catch the wild cattle. He had climbed the big ass mountain. 

The young bull had fought off a pride of lionesses who had thought to take him down in the valley. He was not going down for lionesses. He was not interested in breath play. 

This bull had roamed as far as the cedar forest. He had been to the very heart of the forest where the giant Humbaba lived in the shade of the tree of heaven. 

He lowered his head to drink from a pool that formed on the side of Mount Eibh. The water was cold and clean. He did not look at his reflection in the water. He was watching for predators. He did not see himself in the water. He had no concept of gods or words or time. He was a wild creature.

Aruru looked him over and said, "Now that's what I'm talking about." She made a man out of clay, but she wanted to go the extra mile when making a match for Gilgamesh. She used a reed from a shattered chariot to define the man’s shape in every way. The flowing lines of his hair that twisted up and around as the bulls horns might do. She defined each line of hair on his body, which was perfect in every way, if it must be admitted quite hairy. Then she gave that clay man a cock that wouldn't quit. 

She really spent her time really crafting this man. She spent a long time crafting his cock and balls. Aruru was in it to win it. She was going to show Inanna who was the goddess of creation. 

The goddess seemed no threat to the bull. No threat as she rewrote his fate. Until there was no clay figure. There was no bull. Until she cast a living man into the wilderness. A being innocent in the ways of humanity.

“You’re perfect, my Enkidu,” said Aruru. She added, “You’ll need to be if you're going to handle Gilgamesh.” With a slap to his flank, she sent him running down the mountain into the valley where naturally he wandered around eating grass and upsetting trappers traps and generally going nowhere near the city of Uruk and Gilgamesh.


	5. Tablet 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now take up the tablet of the the great hot mess of a king.

Gilgamesh raised his flagon of wine and toasted the bricks that recorded the glorious deeds of his father, Lugalbanda. A great hero. Blessed by storm birds. Unmatched in battle. He told the clay bricks, “I’ll make you proud, dad.”

Gilgamesh knew that he was two-thirds god. He knew was a badass. But there were no bricks written about Gilgamesh's deeds. 

Well, in all fairness plenty of folks had written on bricks about his tarty ways, but Giglamesh hadn't seen them. He wrote poetry with some spilled wine about his longing for his perfect companion.

His mother's chief hand matron, Ayala, cleared her throat. 

She cleared it again. 

Gilgamesh sighed and cleared away the liquid poem with a dash of his hand.

> _King Ashurbanipal scratched a short poem about deeds written in wax._
> 
> _King Hammurabi wrote about laws written in stone._
> 
> _Queen Semiramis wrote an ode to the woman waiting._

Gilgamesh got to his feet and went to the throne room, where his mother was waiting. With a single look, he knew her thoughts. He ignored them. There were boring people boringly waiting with their boring problems. Gilgamesh was not meant to be an accountant. For the tally of oxen and fish. He cared about adventure and fame. He longed for a companion to share that adventure with.

Although he understood the copper merchant’s complaint well enough. Gilgamesh said, “Substandard copper means substandard weapons.” 

“My lord, I refused the copper. It wasn’t what I’d paid for this, Ea-nasir, he...” 

“Will be hunted down and punished.” Gilgamesh summoned a guard. “See it is done.” 

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote, "Sîn-lēqi-unninni, how much did Nanni pay you to work his copper complaint into the story?"_

Giglamesh was still angry at the thought when the next petitioner came forward. It was a trapper. The sort of man who caught wild cattle for the enclosure. He was about to slump back into his throne, because this was bound to be boring, when the trapper said, “Begging your pardon, but I’ve got a wild man problem.” 

Gilgamesh put aside his flagon and his wax poetry tablet.

“This man fills in my traps like its nothing. Boom. Filled. Protects the wild animals from getting caught. Wrestles lions like that.” The trapper snapped filthy fingers. “Fast as anything. Strong as a star from heaven.” 

Gilgamesh leaned forward. Every line of his body proclaiming his desire to hear more.

“Hung like the great bull of heaven, if you take my meaning.” The man made a gesture with his right arm. “Hard to miss what with him being naked as anything.”

Gilgamesh’s breath caught in his throat. This wildman was a hero of the wilderness. He saved animals. Perhaps this was the companion that Gilgamesh had been trying to find. 

But a king didn’t go seeking out wildmen in the grass, and wildmen didn’t come to great cities. 

Just then, Gilgamesh had an idea. Since it was surely from his patron, Shamash, it was fucking brilliant. He said, “Go to the temple. Ask for a child of pleasure.” He thought further and said, “I will go with you.” He would need to coach whoever went. For a hero to come to a city, then he would need someone to fight. He knew exactly what would lure a wild hero to Uruk, and if he did not come, he was no hero, and if he was no hero, then he wasn't the one Gilgamesh was longing for.

His mother sighed. “That will be all the petitioners we will hear today.” 

Ninsun was a goddess. She'd heard about the competition from the beginning, but at the time had been glad to get so many useful baby shower gifts for a child who was two-thirds gods and all kinds of a handful.

> _Queen Semiramis wrote, "I hear you sister."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complaint_tablet_to_Ea-nasir


	6. Tablet 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take up the tablet in which Enkidu comes to understand bread and wine.

Aruru created the pool where Shamat, pleasure child, priestess, and general hot heal waited. She created the green grass that led Enkidu in the direction of the pool. 

Sure enough he walked up to the pool where Shamat had been cooling her sweet heels.

Needless to say, she took one look at Enkidu, praised Inanna, which really chapped Aruru's hide, and opened her arms to the buck naked wild man. Enkidu for his part was more than happy to buck on Shamat.

They bucked for six days and seven nights. 

_There's another broken bit because Ashurbanipal could not believe what he was reading._

Enkidu got up from bed. He looked at the grassland that had been his home all the days of his life.

The grass hadn't changed. The scent of warm sunlight on the waving blades hadn’t changed.

The herds of gazelle nibbling carefully, looking always looking for the movement of a lioness in the dark grass hadn’t changed. When Enkidu went to run with them, they scattered as if he were a lion. As if he were clumsy cub. The deer did the same. Even the wild goats, who had once frolicked with him ran away. There under the light of the sun, the wild bull snorted at him. Charged him as if to gore him instead of standing beside him as a herd companion.

He went back to the pool where he had bucked with Shamat and learned he was human. Learned the word for loneliness. 

By the time he returned, Shamat's servants had set up a pavillion. She sat on a low wooden chair braiding her long hair around a cone of wax. She was still as bare as she’d been through all the long hours, but desire had burned out of him like a wildfire that rages through grasslands. Sudden. Fierce. Leaving behind ashes for new growth in the spring. 

_King Ashurbanipal wrote, "About time."_

Enkidu sat down heavily at her feet. 

“Oh, Enkidu,” she said, pushing back a strand of his hair, frowning over the matts she found there, “you’ve become like a god. Why do you want to be a beast?” She sighed had her servants brush his hair. Enkidu could not go to Gilgamesh looking like a wild man. She said, “I want you to come back with me to wide walled Uruk.” She leaned closer, a ring of blue incense drifted by his cheek. “I want to take you to the temple of love and heaven. The great king Gilgamesh lives there.” She felt a certain sorrow sending this sweet kid off to deal with Gilgamesh, who really was a bit of a hot mess. But as everyone in Uruk knew, he also had a heart of gold. “Like a wild bull, he lords over the people. His herd.” 

Enkidu felt the name enter his chest and pierce his heart. Mainly because Aruru was blowing gently on the name she'd written on his heart. 

He felt the breath of the goddess and it frightened him. A fairly reasonable reaction. 

He sat up straight and pulled away from Shamat, puffing up his chest. Enkidu cast around for what he should say. All he could think of was when the young males fought the strongest for control of the herd. He said, “I’ll go to Uruk. I’ll face down Gilgamesh and like a young bull, I’ll face him down. I’ll challenge him.” All he could think of was that autumn as the male gazelles slowly battered their horns, casting up dry chunks of mud by the waters edge. While the females ate dry grass. While he watched out for lions. “I’ll… I’ll say a new order has come. That I am the strongest. That I was born in the hills. I will throw Gilgamesh down.” The name lodged in his chest hurt. 

He was startled when Shamat laughed. She leaned back in her chair. She said, “You have no idea what the wonders of the city are like. Every day is a celebration. She beckoned the young man and woman playing a flute and harp. “The young women and men are beautiful. Sweet smelling.” She leaned back and placed a hand on the cheeks of both the man and woman. Kissed them both on the mouth while he watched. She settled back into her chair and held his gaze. 

He felt it when she said, “O Enkidu, I will show you the handsomest of men, Gilgamesh.” Her eyes were steady. “He’s a man of many moods. When you look at him in his radiant manhood, you’ll know he’s perfect in strength and maturity. He never rests,” she licked red tinted lips just thinking about Gilgamesh. “He’s stronger than you.” She pushed him lightly with her right foot, “so stop boasting.” She settled in her chair. “He is the one who sent me to you. Even now, he is dreaming of you.”

“What is he dreaming?” The question came out before Enkidu had had a chance to imagine the words. 

Shamat grinned, because this part was really kind of sweet. Mainly the way Gilgamesh had repeated what he wanted her to say three times. “He dreamed that a comet fell to earth and that his attraction for it was like a man for a woman. He dreamed he wrapped the comet with thongs of strong leather and took it to his mother, who declared the comet his companion.” 

Enkidu was dimly aware of Shamat’s servants washing his hair. 

Shamat said, “His mother is telling him that the meaning of the dream is that the comet will be a strong comrade, who will always help him in his time of need. That he’s the strongest of wild creatures. That the moment he sees the creature of the grasslands, he’ll love him as a woman and never forsake him.” She licked her scarlet lips. “That is the first dream.” 

Enkidu dimly felt Shamat’s servants bathing him. “What was the second dream?” He needed to know like he needed sunlight. Like he needed rain. 

“He dreamed about an ax that is marvelous to behold. Everyone will want to touch it. Great Gilgamesh will pick it up, love it like a woman,” Shamat made a shushing motion to the woman playing the harp, who had snickered, “and wear the axe at his side always. His mother will tell him that this is the companion she made for him. That he will be at his side always. A friend when he is needed.”

Behind Shamat, all unseen, Aruru muttered, "I made Enkidu. Not Ninsun."

Enkidu looked at Shamat. He didn't know how he could go before a god-man, perfect in his many moods and maturity. The hook in his heart made him want to run to Uruk. The shame that came of his ignorance made him want to run for the cedar forest and hide in the dark there.

Instead he sat still. He stared at Shamat with wide eyes. Shaking like a leaf not yet ready to leave a branch. He said, “How can I be worthy of such a god-man?” She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. She divided up her clothing and dressed him with her own hands. 

She took his hand and led him like a child to the place in the valley where the tents of the shepherds clustered by the river. The boys and girls watching the flocks of sheep gaped to see him. They whistled for their dogs and shouted, but Shamat said, “Peace now, Enkidu won’t disrupt your flocks any more. Did you ever see a wild man that looked like a bride groom?”

Enkidu felt blood rushing in his face, but followed Shamat meekly into the largest tent. She said, “This is Enkidu. He is the wildman who had been fucking up your traps. Bring bread and wine so he can learn the ways of men and women.” 

When they put bread in front of him, he didn’t know what to do with it. It was round and hard. Not like soft grass at all. The wine was bitter and sour. Not like sweet stream water. He said, “How can I go to Uruk?”

“How can you not?” said Shamat. “The king is waiting for you there.” Then she showed him how to enjoy bread and drink wine.


	7. Tablet 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pick up the next tablet about restless Gilgamesh.

“Why has he not come yet?” demanded Gilgamesh to his mother sitting on her throne of cedar. “And don’t tell me to be patient again. I was not made for patience.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” said his mother desert sand in her tone.

Gilgamesh felt blood rush to his face, but he didn’t back down. He was a man, not a boy. For all he felt like a child standing in front of his mother. Pacing. Threading his way through all of the damned potted plants that mother had scattered about the place. “I sent Shamat to the fields over a week ago.” He whirled around narrowly avoiding toppling a blooming red sort of flower. “You were the one who suggested I send Shamat. I thought that girl from Mohenjo-Daren was prettier.” 

This came out a bit more accusing than he’d meant it to. He knew that by the way his mother’s right eyebrow came up slightly. By the way she turned to Ayala and said, “Warm some cow’s milk and add honey to it.”

“Shall I add ginger, my lady?” said Ayala with a crinkle of her eyes as she did not look at Gilgamesh. Even though he was her king. 

“An excellent notion,” said his mother. 

Ayala left the room. 

Gilgamesh protested with what he felt was great dignity. “Mother, I am not a teething baby! I am a man-god.” 

“I am somewhat aware of your heritage. I had some part in making you,” said his mother. She tilted her head. “Are you feeling alright?”

He wasn’t entirely sure what he felt. He couldn’t be anxious. Or worried. Nervous about what Enkidu would think of him. Heart sore. 

No, he was a king. A hero. He was angry that he had been made to wait. 

Gilgamesh accepted the cup of warmed milk from Ayala. He drank it down. The ginger and honey didn’t ease the pain in his chest.

“You could go to him,” said his mother softly. For the hundredth time. “He’s may be as nervous about meeting you as you are about meeting him.”

For the hundredth time, he glared at his mother. He said, “I am not nervous. I am the king.” It did not help that Ayala mouthed the words while he said them. He did not heave a pot with some sort of yellow flowing bush off the top of the temple, but it was a near thing. A very near thing. Instead he whirled around and said, “Ayala, assemble the women and men in their finest clothing. I will celebrate my marriage with the queen of love.” 

His mother sniffed and gave him a level look. “And how well do you think that will turn out?”

Gilgamesh drank from his cup and pretended he hadn't heard her. Everyone knew what happened to those who consummated affairs with Inanna.

Somewhere Inanna, who was ass deep in a brawl in Mohenjo-Daren, raised her head and said, "What?" But an idiot smashed a jar on her head, and she went back to what she was doing.

Giglamesh said, "Fine. Whatever."

Ayala said in a coaxing tone, “According to my sister, Shamat, the wild man has put on clothes that would put a bridegroom to shame, he’s so handsome. He watches the fields at night so the shepherds can sleep. He fights off lions and wolves and this strongman, who has,” she nodded very seriously, “no rival is doing great deeds. He is strongly driven to help the people.”

Giglamesh very nearly rushed off right then and there. Enkidu was a hero. He felt the crushing weight as if he were under a mountain, because even with all that Shamat had been told to say, the wildman hadn’t come to Uruk. 

Then a thought came to him. This thought surely came straight from Shamash, his patron. It was fucking brilliant. He smiled and said, “Send word that I will be going to the marriage house for my right of the first night. First the king and then the husband.”

Ayala frowned, “But sire, no one is getting married this week.”

Gilamesh did not destroy a potted plant with no flowers. He crushed some leaves. “Send word. By the time the wildman arrives, someone will be getting married. If not, a child of pleasure can be dressed as a bride.” He crossed his arms and at his mother’s look uncrossed them. 

He left the room ignoring her muttered, “Going to the wildman and sweeping him off his feet would be simpler.” He ignored her. He focused on calming himself. 

When Enkidu arrived, Gilgamesh must play things coolly. Enkidu must be the one to come to Gilgamesh. He must be sure that Enkidu was the companion for his heart. His perfect companion.


	8. Tablet 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now comes the tablet we've all been waiting for. The one Sîn-lēqi-unninni wanted to get to.

Enkidu could hear the people talking when he entered Uruk. He had never seen so many people. The smell of the market was overwhelming. Shamat had not mentioned the hard clay streets. There was the smell of perfume, but was also the smell of dung. She had not mentioned how the jostle of many voices could attack his ears. He ignored all that. He ignored the pounding of his heart. He ignored the people saying, “He’s as beautiful as a god.” “He’s Gilgamesh’s equal.” “I don’t know. He's a good bit shorter.” “Strong boned boy.” “Hairy.”

None of that mattered. He needed to show Gilgamesh who was stronger. Gilgamesh, who was going to enter the marriage house before the bridegroom. Who was going to use the law to do something that was wrong. He came to the marriage house. The bride was arranged on the bed. He said, “I will stop Gilgamesh from taking the place of your husband.”

The bride, who was chewing on a piece of wax, said, “Look at you! Shamat said that you were a big strong slab of man, but she… I mean,” she lowered her eyes and fluttered her eyelashes. “Thank you brave sir!” She sat up on the bed and crossed her ankles. “I could kiss you, but I won’t, because I’m a sweet cloistered bride, who has never known the love of a man or a woman or a demi-god or a shape changing winged creature or a giant or...”

“I’ll wait at the door,” said Enkidu feeling a bit confused by the bride. He focused on his anger. He was so very angry. He was going to confront Gilgamesh. He was going to throw him to the ground for what he had planned to do.

He stood at the threshold of the house. He waited all day. The bride brought him a cup of spiced wine and some bread. He ate them exactly like someone who'd learned to eat bread and wine a week ago. 

Finally night fell, and Gilgamesh arrived. Striding down the street as if he owned the city. As he had a right to be that tall. With a beard that carefully and perfectly coiled. With a chest that oiled and perfumed, and bare to the love of the moonlight and stars. As if he had a natural right to enter that house, which he did not. 

Enkidu put out a foot and bared the way. He shoved Gilgamesh back. His hands pushing Gilgamesh back. Aware of how hard and rough his hands were as they touched Gilgamesh’s smooth skin. His hands curled over Gilgamesh’s shoulders. He grappled with Gilgamesh like a bull. They shoved and pushed. They broke the doorposts. They shattered the mud walls of the house, until the bride ran out into the street in her bride clothes. Enkidu gripped Gilgamesh tight so he could not run after her.

Instead he found himself flying through the air. He found himself flat on his back on the hard clay street looking up at Gilgamesh. As suddenly at his anger had come, his anger left him. He felt quiet and small and still. 

Aruru was whispering that Gilgamesh had a heart of gold.

Words rushed out of Enkidu. “Gilgamesh, you are unique in all the world. There is no one like you. Ninsun, who is as strong as an ox, gave birth to you. Your strength surpasses all men.” He wanted to say more. He didn’t have the words. He lay there under Gilgamesh, held down by Gilgamesh’s hands firm on his shoulders. Gilgamesh’s body above his chest.

Gilgamesh stood up. Pulled Enkidu to his feet. Wrapped around his arms around Enkidu, who shook at the force of feeling. Who cried against Gilgamesh’s shoulder. Gilgamesh said, “From this day forward, you will be my companion.” 

He heard the bride say, “Oh, for… just fucking kiss him.”

Gilgamesh kissed Enkidu on the forehead. Threaded his arm through Enkidu’s and took him into the temple to meet his mother.Gilgamesh said, “Here is the one you made to stand at my side.” 

Aruru said, "It was still me. I made Enkidu." Until Ninsun shushed her.

Gilgamesh said, “I’ll have a bed prepared for him next to my own.” Gilgamesh smiled at Enkidu “I will make a place,” Gilgamesh smiled widely and Enkidu was helpless before that smile, “for my brother.”

Gilgamesh wanted Enkidu to protest that he didn't feel like a brother to Gilgamesh. 

Enkidu felt the wound in his chest grow because Gilgamesh saw Enkidu as a brother.

Aruru said, "Top that Inanna. I just created miscommunication."

“Oh, gods,” muttered Ninsun. “All I really wanted for the naming ceremony was the butter churn of the gods.”

> _Queen Semiramis wrote, “I hear you sister.”_


	9. Tablet 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One tablet ends. Another begins. Pick it up. Sîn-lēqi-unninni wrote words on it. Many words. Much plot.

Inanna had just remembered that she had a tree growing in Uruk and went to check on it. 

The tree was good except for the fact that a Storm bird had built a nest in its crown and was raising chicks. A dragon had made a nest in the roots and was raising dragonlets. To top it all off, the demoness Lilith had made her house in the trunk of the tree.

She was about to deal with all of that when she spotted a simply gorgeous hot hunk of man-hero-king walking in the garden. Her first thought was, "I am so going to tap that." Her second thought was, "Fuck!" Just be clear, she wasn't thinking about sex. She had spotted Aruru and remembered the contest. Remembered that the hot hunk of man-hero-king was Gilgamesh and she'd done fuck all about finding him someone to hook up with. 

She tried to think of anyone to pair up with him that would be perfect for him. The more she thought about it, the more convinced she was that she was perfect for Gilgamesh. She was the goddess of sex and war after all. 

So she sashayed right on over to Gilgamesh and said, “Gilgamesh, there’s a storm bird in the branches of the tree I'm growing for my fucking bed. The bed where I intend to lay down my quiver on some lucky heroes' shaft. Be a love and drive it out.” She was more than capable of getting rid of a storm bird. 

Gilgamesh said to the storm bird, "Get out of the tree. You've got to go."

The storm bird said, "But my chicks are too young to fly and lash the clouds into rain. We can't leave. We have nowhere to go."

Enkidu blinked back his tears looking at the sweetly chirping baby birds. He said to Gilgamesh, "You can't just evict a mother like that. Not a mother with babies."

Gilgamesh was in a bit of a bind. 

Inanna was the patron of the city. She was the goddess of sex, which Gilgamesh hoped very much to eventually enjoy with Enkidu. She was the goddess of war, which lets face it happened pretty often. 

But he really wanted Enkidu to be impressed by him. Enkidu was never going to make a move if he thought Gilgamesh was a heartless prick, who evicted baby birds. 

Enkidu said, "Please, make a place for the storm bird and her chicks on the top of the ziggurat at the heart of the city." He smiled hopefully. Sweetly. Kindly. 

Aruru sent a small breeze to make his long hair flutter. 

Inanna said, "Oh, for fuck's sake! That’s cheating."

Aruru said, “Child, you have no idea what I’ve got planned.”

Gilgamesh had never agreed with anything more quickly than he agreed with Enkidu. 

Soon the storm bird had a new nest on the top of the ziggurat at the center of Uruk, which was bigger and better than the one she'd had before. 

Gilgamesh looked at Enkidu wondering if Enkidu would kiss him in thanks. Enkidu sighed because Gilgamesh only thought of him as a brother. 

Aruru said, "That’s right baby. Let that tension build."

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote, “Sîn-lēqi-unninni, you are trying to kill me.”_

Inanna licked her lips and said, "I'm going to ride Gilgamesh like a storm cloud."

Aruru snorted and folded her arms in a significant way.

Inanna went to Gilgamesh and said, "Gilgamesh, There's a dragon in the tree I’m growing for my fucking throne. The throne where I intend to bounce my quick on some lucky heroes' scepter. Be a love and drive it out.” She was more than capable of getting rid of any dragon. 

Gilgamesh was still in the same bind. He said to the dragon in the roots of the tree, "You've got to go." 

The dragon said, "But my children aren't old enough to fly and strike terror in the hearts of men. Where will we live?"

Enkidu said, "Gilgamesh, look at the baby dragons." The baby dragons blinked wide jewel colored eyes at Enkidu. "You can't turn them out of their home. You should make a home for them under the ziggurat at the heart of the city." 

Gilgamesh didn't want Enkidu to think that he was a heartless prick. He wanted Enkidu to be impressed by him. He wanted Enkidu to fling himself on him and declare his undying love and do something enjoyable with Gilgamesh's prick. He agreed very quickly to Enkidu's suggestion.

Soon the dragon was living in a much roomier place under the ziggurat.

Gilgamesh looked at Enkidu wondering if Enkidu would kiss him in thanks. Enkidu sighed because Gilgamesh only thought of him as a brother. 

Aruru rubbed her hands together and sniffed at Inanna, “Girl, I’ve got more of that coming.”

Inanna watched Gilgamesh playing with the dragonlets, "Whatever, I'm going to ride that hero like a demon mule."

Aruru snorted. "Sometimes you worry me." 

"Good." Inanna sashayed up to Gilgamesh. "Oh, Gilgamesh. There's a demon maid living in the trunk of my tree. Be a dear and drive her out. I want you to cut it down and turn it into a bad-ass bed where I'll ride some lucky hero like a storm. I want you to make a throne for me. I'll bend some lucky hero over it until he sees stars.” She was more than capable of getting rid of Lilith. 

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote, "Third times the charm."_
> 
> _"You'd think it was the law," wrote King Hammurabi._
> 
> _"I wish," wrote Queen_ _Semiramis._

Gilgamesh went to the tree and said, "Lilith, you need to move out of Inanna's tree. She wants me to chop it down and make it into some kind of bed and throne."

Lilith said, "But where will I live when I'm not invading the dreams of men?"

Enkidu said, "Gilgamesh, you can't make this poor demoness homeless. Look at her. She's pregnant." Lilith placed her hand over her belly and smiled. She was just beginning to show.

Gilgamesh was in the same old bind. 

Enkidu looked at Gilgamesh imploringly and said, "Maybe we could ask your mother if she can find a place for Lilith."

There were few things Gilgamesh wanted to do less than ask his mother to find a place for Lilith to live, but Enkidu was looking at him. He was smiling hopefully. Gilgamesh said, "Yeah. Sure, um… my brother."

_King Ashurbanipal chipped something in the margins._

Enkidu and Gilgamesh went with Lilith to see Gilgamesh's mother

Ninsun said, "Far be it for your mother to be the one to tell you this, but there are easier ways to seduce a man."

Ayala said, "We could talk with my sister."

Lilith, Ninsun, and Ayala fell into a conversation about all the better ways to seduce a man, until Gilgamesh fled with Enkidu.

Gilgamesh cut down the huluppu tree. There was enough wood for a throne, but not for a bed. He coughed and said, "There's not enough wood."

Inanna did not perform a miracle and multiply the wood. 

Instead, she smiled beautifully and said, “There’s a living cedar forest where a terrible monster lives. You should go to face it. I will help you in your battle.” Inanna was fairly certain once she'd given Gilgamesh a victory over a terrible beast, he would be won over.

Gilgamesh had an idea. It must be from his patron, Shamash. It was fucking brilliant. It was perfect. He said, “I haven’t done anything yet that will establish my fame." He went to stand beside Enkidu and slipped his arm around him. Squeezing his shoulder. “Come my brother. We will overcome the giant Humbaba in the cedar forest.”

"With my help," said Inanna over Gilgamesh's shoulder.

"Inanna, why don't you just give it up," said Aruru. "Look at them. I did a damn near perfect job when I made Enkidu for Gilgamesh."

“Contest’s not over until someone declares their love,” said Inanna. 

Just then Enkidu blinked back tears and looked up into Gilgamesh's eyes, which were also shining with tears.

Inanna tossed her hair. "I'm perfect for Gilgamesh." She flew off to have her wings polished in time for Gilgamesh's triumphant return.

Enkidu said, “Humbaba is a force of nature. He breathes fire. He has seven terrors. He never sleeps. He’s unstoppable. Mighty.”

All of which was a bit much. Gilgamesh was a great warrior. A king. Two-thirds god and all that. Blessed with beauty by Shamash. Courage by the storm gods. Enkidu should speak about Gilgamesh’s power like a wild bull. Still, Gilgamesh could be crafty. He said, “Everyone dies.” He lifted Enkidu’s right hand to rest on his shoulder, turning to face the window, and giving Enkidu a glance back. “I will go first in the forest and let you there is nothing to fear, and if I do fall, tell everyone I died a hero.” 

But Enkidu was not like the sons of Uruk. He did not take this chance to press against Gilgamesh’s backside and comfort him with his genitals. He did squeeze his arm around Gilgamesh, so it wasn't a total loss.

As they set off on their journey, Gilgamesh got to thinking about how he could convince Enkidu to make the first move. He thought all the way to the cedar forest, which lets be real here was a good deal darker and bigger than Gilgamesh expected.

Also a good deal damper. Gilgamesh had a brilliant idea that he knew must be from his patron because it was so fucking brilliant. As night fell, Gilgamesh made a small fire against the cold. 

“Here my friend,” said Gilgamesh, “sit next to me for warmth. In fact, I think it's best that we sleep together for warmth.” 

Enkidu couldn't believe his luck. Also, his bad luck at being so close to the person he desired most. Enkidu rested his legs by his friend’s legs. Wrapped his arm around Gilgamesh’s hips. He laid his head on Giglamesh’s chest. Fell asleep listening to the steady drum of his friend’s heart. He woke in the early morning when Gilgamesh cried out. 

“What is it?” Enkidu picked up Gilgamesh’s hands. 

Gilgamesh slowly closed his eyes and opened them. He said the words he'd rehearsed through the night, “My friend, I dreamed that I had hold of a wild bull in the wilderness. I bellowed and kicked up dust until everything was dark. but I held on. Fearing to let go, until finally I was shaken free. I fell to the ground and someone,” He pulled his hand from Enkidu’s grip and rested it on the side of Enkidu’s face, “gave me water from their own water skin.” 

Enkidu shook at the force of Gilgamesh’s look. He made himself look away. He reminded himself that Gilgamesh wanted only friendship. He said, “That’s a good dream. The bull is… Shamash, your patron. He’s the one who gave you water.”

“Shamash,” said Gilgamesh. “Right.” His hands fell away from Enkidu’s face, and got ready to continue their journey.

Enkidu guided them along deer trails deeper into the woods. They went thirty leagues. Perhaps more. They came to where the mighty trees grew close together, such that they blocked out the sun. Sap flowed down their trunks like slow moving rain. 

That night, Giglamesh said, “You should stay close to keep off the cold.” Enkidu didn't need to be told twice. 

He moved first to sit next to Gilgamesh, who brushed his hand over and over in Enkidu’s hair. With a sigh Enkidu listed into Gilgamesh and fell asleep. He dreamed restless dark dreams all night.

He woke when Gilgamesh cried out. 

Enkidu asked, “What did you dream?”

“That the sky fell on us. The earth fell on us. Lightning. Thunder. Nothingness.” Gilgamesh closed his eyes briefly. Eyes still closed, he said, “Tomorrow, today, we face Humbaba.” His hands slid up and down Enkidu’s sides. Warm and welcome. “We shouldn’t go to face the monster like this. With fear and bad dreams in our hearts. How can I let my friend go to face death without having sex more than once in his life.”

Enkidu did not correct Gilgamesh that he and Shamat had had sex for six days and seven nights. Instead, he willingly kissed Gilgamesh. Heart breaking to think this was all he'd ever have.

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote, " Sîn-lēqi-unninni, you are literally killing me."_
> 
> _King Hammurabi wrote, "You're using the word literally incorrectly."_
> 
> _Queen Semiramis wrote, "I kind of ship Ashurbanipal with Sîn-lēqi-unninni, but I also kind of like Ash/Ham ."_

Enkidu found himself with his back in the fragrant earth, and Gilgamesh his sky. The better to reach up. To run his fingers along the lines of Gilgamesh’s face. To strain up to peck kisses on lips that rained down in turn. To explore his friends back. The scars unexplained. The stories not yet told. 

Eagerly, they plucked at each other's clothes.

Gilgamesh made short work of Enkidu’s garments. “Oh,” said Gilgamesh. 

“What?” said Enkidu suddenly embarrassed in front of the only one that mattered. “Is it that I’m a wildman?”

“You’re perfect,” said Gilgamesh. “It’s just,” he gave Enkidu a sly look, “You’re very short,”

“In comparison to you,” retorted Enkidu.

“Shush, I’m about to compliment,” Gilgamesh wrapped a large hand around Enkidu’s cock, “your beautiful cock. Shamat said you were hung like a bull, but I thought that might be…” Gilgamesh cut short his discussion, as Enkidu bent down to take Gilgamesh’s cock in his mouth. 

Enkidu was no flute player, but he thought he must have played well, as Gilgamesh’s cock grew firmer in his mouth. A scepter fit for polishing. Laving with a greedy tongue. Suckling with a thirsty mouth. Until Enkidu was rewarded for his work with a shout and a bitter flood of cum. 

After a few moments, Gilgamesh said, “That wasn’t quite what I had in mind.” Before Enkidu could ask, Gilgamesh had poured a dram of oil in the palm of his hand and was working his hand around Enkidu’s cock. Wrapping himself around Enkidu. 

The earth at Enkidu’s back, Gilgamesh his sky, and all the pleasure of an oil slick hand in between. Until Enkidu came to his own white flash end that had him panting. Trembling. Quiet while Gilgamesh put him back to order with a cloth dipped in that well he’d dug when there was a stream nearby. 

> _King Hammurabi wrote, "When did he dig a well?"_
> 
> _"Different version," wrote Queen_ _Semiramis._

Gilgamesh pressed kisses to Enkidu's face. “Are you alright? Is there anything you want to say?” asked Gilgamesh, who was really hoping for an undying declaration of love.

“I'm fine. That was good,” lied Enkidu. His first lie. He was fairly certain there were pieces of himself scattered all over.

"I don't know," said Inanna, "that was pretty hot." As the goddess of sex, when sex was actually going on, she was bound to show up.

Aruru sniffed. "Aren't you worried that you'll lose our competition."

Inanna laughed. "No one has said anything about love yet. I’m still in the game."

Aruru took out her knitting for the battle with Humbaba. Inanna ate honey cakes.

Humbaba showed up wanting to know why they were in his forest and threatened them with some pretty serious bodily harm. There was bad language. Adult situations. 

Cedar trees went down. Humbaba went down, and not in the loving way, although he did lose his head. 

Enlil showed up when it was all over. He looked around his forest full of stumps. Enlil said, "What the fuck happened here?"

"Oh, I am so going to get a fucking bed," said Inanna. "I bet I could ride a seven nation army in that bed."

Aruru gathered up the auras of Humbaba, and returned them to Enlil. "Great contest we've got going. Thank you for setting this in motion."

"And a fucking awesome throne," said Inanna. She frowned. "An awesome throne for fucking?" She shrugged. "One of those."

Enlil glared at Aruru. "One of them will have to pay for what has happened."

"Yes!" shouted Inanna. "Then I'll win by default." She tapped Enlil's chest. "Not one finger on my boo."

All unawares, Giglamesh and Enkidu gathered up the wood for Inanna's bed.

Also, Humbaba's giant head for some reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.smokyhole.org/sdhok/lilith/gilga.htm  
> http://sumerianshakespeare.com/84201.html


	10. Tablet 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now take up the tablet of sad turns. Sîn-lēqi-unninni has a twist planned.

Inanna waited until Gilgamesh sent word by sacrifice that her bed was ready to rumble. She showed up in her best dress. Wings gleaming. She said, "Okay, let's give it a spin, Gilgamesh. You. Me. That bed."

"Wait? What?" Gilgamesh blinked at her.

She sighed, because he really was an idiot. "Be my man. My husband. I'll give you demon mules and gold and servants." She generally didn't have to offer anything so really she was scrapping the bottom of the barrel, and quite frankly she'd endowed him with quite a lot when he was born. "Um… twin dropping ewes. Triplet dropping cattle. Cool shit. Look, I'll be the best lay you've ever had."

Gilgamesh looked at Enkidu, who still hadn't declared his undying love. 

Enkidu looked at Gilgamesh through eyes streaming with tears. There was no possibility that Gilgamesh wouldn't say yes to Inanna, who was so beautiful with breasts like twin ewes on the mountain tops. With legs like the mighty trees they'd just cut down, but still standing. Hips like the hot fetid lowlands where the river branches out as it reached the sea. A literal goddess.

> _King Hammurabi wrote in the margins, "See. Enkdu knows how to use the word literal correctly."_
> 
> _Queen_ _Semiramis wrote, "And how to be catty with the similes."_

Gilgamesh took Enkidu's hands. His dear hands. He said, "What do you think Enkidu."

Enkidu sniffed to suppress his tears. "You should do what's best for you. For the city, but… um.... I love you." He trailed off. He tried to say, "like a brother," but didn't realize that Aruru had pinched him. Anyway, he couldn't force those words out. Instead he said, "I want what's best for you."

"Which is clearly me," said Inanna, waving up and down her body.

Gilgamesh looked tenderly into Enkidu's eyes. "I would be an idiot not to love you, my dearest companion." 

"Err…" said Inanna. "Goddess of sex here offering you," she waved at her body, "this sweet ride."

Gilgamesh and Enkidu were busy kissing. 

"Ha," said Aruru. "I win."

"Err…" said Enlil. "Now that the contest is over, it's pretty clear that Enkidu killed Humbaba. He's going to have to die."

"What… fuck… now it's a tragic love!" said Inanna. "No fucking way." She turned to look at Aruru. "Seriously, tragic love! You crafted a tragic love." 

Aruru tapped the knitting needles of fate together and smiled coolly. "Child, I was making tragic love affairs when you weren't but a twinkle of a grass goddess."

"Fuck!" said Inanna admiringly. "Obviously, I've been in some pretty tragic love affairs. Wait! Was that you?"

Aruru shrugged. "I don't like to brag."

The goddesses sat down on the bed and bent to discussing Inanna's tragic love life.

Enlil said, "I guess I'll just… unleash the great bull of heaven. Will of the gods."

Neither goddess was listening. 

The great bull of heaven stomped his foot killing hundreds. Before Enkidu and Gilgamesh stopped him. There was a battle. It was heroic. 

They won, but not before Enkidu was fatally injured. 

Now let's be clear, when he learned he was going to die, Enkidu cursed everyone like a mother fucker. 

Inanna watched in bemused awe as Gilgamesh promised to mourn Enkidu more than anyone had ever been mourned. That the river was going to mourne. That he was going to make waterfalls so the river would weep for Enkidu. He was going to dress lions and lionesses in mourning black. 

"Really?" asked Enkidu.

"Really," said Gilgamesh, who held his friend as the last breath went out of him. Who held him until the worms really got going.

“A fucking tragic love story.”

“I did think you were going to be the villain,” said Aruru, “But Enlil works."

“Enkidu killed my guy, Humbaba,” said Enlil.

Gilgamesh had an idea. Surely it was brilliant. He would search for eternal life.

> _King Ashurbanipal wrote, "What? How does that make sense? Then he'll never see Enkidu again."_

Now you'll need to skip the break in the tablet.


	11. Tablet 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pick up the next tablet. Written on a different type of clay. Written in King Ashurbanipal's chicken scratch handwriting.

Gilgamesh went to Enlil and said, "You killed my best beloved. You have to help me get him back."

Enlil was feeling like shit for killing Enkidu, so he said, "How about I give you seven gifts for the seven auras of Humaba.

> _In a narrow space between the lines Queen Semiramis_ _wrote,_ _And the head of Humaba said, "Thanks, now I feel really special."_

Gilgamesh didn’t want Humbaba’s auras. He wanted Enkidu. Still he took the auras and brought them with him when he went in search of help.

He prayed to the god Sin for help. 

> _Sîn-lēqi-unninni wrote between the lines. “Sin hears my prayer, but not Gilgamesh’s.”_

Sin said, “Gilgamesh, this is not my problem. I had nothing to do with this.”

Gilgamesh wasn’t going to give up though. He went to Enki, god of the fresh waters. He told him the whole sad story. He told him that he and Enkidu had only just declared their love for each other, when Enkidu died. There was not a dry eye in the temple of Enki by the time Gilgamesh was done. Enki said, “Shamash, we’ve got to do something. This is not fair.”

> _King Hammurabi wrote, “Shamash, who was familiar with the laws, knew how to argue for Enkidu’s freedom.”_

Shamash went to the underworld and negotiated for Enkidu’s return.

> _“By trading the auras for Enkidu,” wrote Queen Semiramis between the lines._

Enkidu returned to Gilgamesh in the form of his last living breath. He even had an old elag ball game that Gilgamesh had lost. 

The two embraced, pressing kisses, and promised to never leave each other.

> _“The end,” wrote King Ashurbanipal._
> 
> _“Is it, or is the story just over?” wrote King Hammurabi._
> 
> _“Until Sîn-lēqi-unninni decides to put out a new tablet,” wrote Queen Semiramis. “We are all Sîn-lēqi-unninni.”_

But no really, put down this tablet. This tablet is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/section1/tr1814.htm


End file.
